Author Feature - March 2021
My name is terry Tuffen born 12/6/71 I live in a village in Surrey with my wife and 3 kids I have several jobs pre lockdown doing 18 hours a day but at the moment only 12 hours.
I’ve always been interested in poetry since I was a kid and was amazed by Pam Ayers and two years ago I had the fortune to go and see her live . Myself I tend to write them to stop having time to think about things so it keeps me busy. Apart from poetry I like my music especially live music that you would always find me at a concert.
My daughter’s been off school now
Since I cannot recall,
I guess the teachers on lockdown ,
Leaving me to do it all.
They're calling this home tutoring,
I call it take the piss,
Have you seen the amount of homework,
It’s a never-ending list.
First subject it is English,
A subject I should do just fine,
Till she comes out with all theses words to spell,
I’ve not heard in my time.
All the pronouns and the adverbs
Well this might as well be Dutch
By the time we’re end this lesson
I don’t think she’ll learn to much.
It’s history time in this here school,
We will learn about her past.
I can see her concentrations dim,
And I’m sure that it won’t last.
We started on the tuders good old Henry, Anne Boleyn,
She’s a morbid cow as she just laughed, when her head went in the bin.
Now art , this is a subject of that I know I’m fine,
Got to draw the human body,
And her chosen one is mine.
Well she’s not quite diplomatic but she’s done the best she can,
But all mum and me can only see,
John mericks elephant man.
We will have ago at math now,
Adding up and multiply,
But she’s coming out with square routes,
I just want to fade and die.
And on top she’s added fractions,
Now I know that it’s a laugh,
But it turns out they are easy,
Just dividing things in half.
It’s geography that’s calling now,
They’ve picked a place I’ve never heard,
And the questions that they want to know,
Well I find it quite observed ,
Djibouti now what the hell, what planet are they thinking,
I know I’ve dug myself this whole
But I don’t need a help with sinking.
Next sexual education
I’ve been putting off with dread,
So I call out to the kitchen,
Get her mum in here instead.
I am busy cooking dinner,
All these clothes won’t wash their self
You will have to find the courage
This is for your daughters health.
With my stomach all in tatters but my head held high aloft
I showed her pictures of her brothers,
Well I knew that would put her off.
Now my daughter came up to ask me,
What’s tomorrow got in-store ?
I said on Thursday teachers training
So there won’t be anymore,
Well I’ll wait then until Friday
I’ll be down here dead on nine,
Well we are going to have a inset day,
So stay in bed that’s fine.
So now it’s reached 3.30,
Time for her to go and play’
But for me it’s all this marking and
Finding work for her Monday.
So here now ends the lessons,
And the one thing I have learned,
If I ever get time off again,
I will get my fingers burned.
THE NEW AGE PERCY THROWER
Well I’m out here in the garden,
just trying to sort it out ,
tending my allotment for when the vegetables will sprout.
I’ve got rows and rows of carrots, runner beans that grow up the stick,
them little round green sprout things you know the ones that make kids sick
I have loads of tubs full of potato’s different types and different size,
she can have them boiled mashed or roasted,
and the kids can have them fried.
There are charlottes ,mixed in with beetroot ,
collie flower ,celery ,
plum tomatoes in the greenhouse ,
with hanging baskets of strawberries.
We have pumpkins set for Halloween,
parsnip for Sunday roast
dark red juicy onions that go nice with cheese on toast.
Lettuce for the salad and for the curry green chilli’s,
pickles to make that tangy sauce for fish chips and garden peas .
Some sweed for stews in autumn ,
cabbage for all year round ,
mint that grows just anywhere and covers all the ground .
artichoke and basil coriander and rosemary ,
corn on the cob to fill your gob if you’re coming round for tea,
reddish sweet potato aubergine and leaks ,
I could put a selection in a bag and charge a little fee.
Mushrooms for our breakfast ,
and ginger for some cakes ,
a taro and a yam but I’m not sure what that makes.
a bottle gourd some spinach ,
a okra and a Neep that is nice with fresh hot haggis the intestines of a dead sheep.
I’m doing fruit for all our puddings,
there are many different types ,
All with lovely flavours and the ones that no one likes.
I’ve got apples up there in the tree ,
the rhubarb’s being forced ,
a bush with bright red cranberries ,
for the Christmas dinner sauce.
An abundance of Prunus spinosa,
it’s the best it’s ever been
and for those not so familiar
you will need them for your gin.
We have mango and papaya ,
avocado passion fruit figs for drying out ,
to help you open up your shoot.
persimmon with mulberry a melon and a plum ,
a jackfruit and guava with a durian just for fun.
I didn’t think it would come to much ,
it was odds on a real non goer ,
but it turns out I’m not that bad ,
I’m like a new age Percy thrower.