By Theresa M Lapensee @wordsfortheheart.ca

When I stopped shrinking to fit inside a box I hadn’t made in the first place
When I stopped being quiet and pushing my real heart desires down
When I stopped changing who I was for fear of being too much
That’s when I started to come into it
My power
My voice
Me
Powerful Woman, That’s Me
So it’s 2am and I am wide awake after a night spent drinking and laughing and talking
And part of it is so good and fun and free
But the other part is hard and vulnerable and real
The part of me that walks in the door at 1:30am and hears my six year old son call my name
And when I go to his room to tuck him in the realization that he doesn’t recognize me for a second.
My energy my voice my intoxicated banter and the way I feel and smell
He wants his Mama, the one he knows and loves
But he buries his face in my chest and I carry him to bed and I lay beside him
Happy to have felt young and carefree at least for a night anyhow
And I miss being someone’s wife, miss being needed and wanted
How I wish I didn’t mean that or feel that says the feminist part of my brain and my psyche
But it’s true
Crawling into a big bed with only a child to realize there is no man coming to join us
No man to kiss my forehead and brush the hair out of my eyes and make me green tea in the morning and eagerly wait till Sunday night to make love to me slowly then heatedly in the bed that we share
I want to feel the heat of someone else
for a change
for a night.
And not listen to the worries inside my loud beating heart.
To know that kissing the back of my neck and making me laugh is something someone wants with me.
I want to know that the powerful energy I am isn’t too much and someone will see through it for what it is
A little girl grown up
Vulnerable turned strong
Small turned loud
Alone turned busy and bossy
And even on those days when I seem to have it all together
The house
The career
Motherhood
The details
He can slide off my clothes and draw me a bath and cover me on cool white sheets whispering that he sees me and wants me
Not for what I do
Not for what I earn
Not for the number of things I take responsibility for
But just for being Theresa
Just for being me
Comments