LIZ UPTON

Poet Feature - October 2020

My love and appreciation of poetry had a very rocky start. At school the likes of TS Elliot, John Donne and Wordsworth failed to inspire me, and I think it’s fair to say left me with an intense loathing of any kind of literary creation that came under the general heading of poetry. However, as the years have gone on the likes of John Hegley, Victoria Wood, Spike Milligan and Pam Ayres have all both delighted and inspired me to put pen to paper to write my own, mostly humorous verse. I started by writing limericks in my early 20s mostly to amuse friends and to while away tedious hours in the office. Over the years my writing has been mostly limited to poems for birthdays, special occasions and family requests. That was until lockdown.

Faced with the prospect of filling endless hours of solitude I turned to poetry writing as a way of managing my time. It worked. It helped. Mine were humorous outpourings, focusing on the more bizarre, idiosyncratic side of this global pandemic.

Once or twice I have dabbled in more serious themes exploring and sharing my innermost emotions, but not for me.  I have stuck to my tried and tested witty efforts, and have even posted a few on Facebook pages, dallied with the idea of self publishing, and briefly considered open mic nights. But as life has moved on my writing has dwindled and I find myself once more consumed with work and other recreational interests, poetry writing once again relegated to special occasions or personal requests. But I know there’s a book in me somewhere and I hope one day to create a piece of work that will give Pam Ayres a run for her money.   But for now here are some examples of my recent poems which I hope you will enjoy.

Keeping Fit

I’ve never had much energy

To give to exercise

The thought of donning Lycra tights 

Brings tears to my eyes.

And what about the mammaries

How would they be contained?

Is any garment strong enough

For mine to be restrained ?

And then you need some footwear

But what about the price!

I’d  need a second mortgage to afford

That sacrifice!

But these are just excuses

I’ve got to make a start

Oh god are my lungs up to this

Be still my beating heart!

I’ll sign up to some classes

A good way to begin

I’ll check out what’s on locally

But first I need a gin.

Now Latin dance sounds funky

Or maybe boxercise

I like ones  where you use  a chair

for over 55s.

I’ve seen those YouTube workouts

By some guy called Joe Wicks

He’s got 3 million followers

They must be lunatics!

My friends suggested trying

A programme that’s called HIT

My God what a horrendous way

To keep your body fit!

I’ve come to the conclusion

It’s really not for me

And benefits of exercise are

Pure  hyperbole. 

​

I’ll sit here on my sofa

And watch the pounds pile on

And leave it till another year

To run that marathon.

Popping Pills

I love a daily vitamin

To ward off all life’s ills

I’ve got a cupboard full of magic

Multicoloured pills.

There’s sage for menstruation

And beetroot for the joints

My favourite’s Horny Goat Weed

That never disappoints

But scientists don’t like them

They say don’t waste your cash

This really was the truth when some

Brought on a nasty rash

And once I tried a tincture

From some African state

The side effects of which caused me

To hyperventilate.

But mostly I just love them

Cos they invigorate

The benefits to health and mind

Don’t underestimate.

There’s one called Angels Trumpet

That always works a treat

Damiana, Devils claw

Just make my life complete.

So If you’ve got a problem

Just pop a magic pill

Just maybe not from foreign states

As they can make you ill.