LIZ UPTON
Poet Feature - October 2020
My love and appreciation of poetry had a very rocky start. At school the likes of TS Elliot, John Donne and Wordsworth failed to inspire me, and I think it’s fair to say left me with an intense loathing of any kind of literary creation that came under the general heading of poetry. However, as the years have gone on the likes of John Hegley, Victoria Wood, Spike Milligan and Pam Ayres have all both delighted and inspired me to put pen to paper to write my own, mostly humorous verse. I started by writing limericks in my early 20s mostly to amuse friends and to while away tedious hours in the office. Over the years my writing has been mostly limited to poems for birthdays, special occasions and family requests. That was until lockdown.
Faced with the prospect of filling endless hours of solitude I turned to poetry writing as a way of managing my time. It worked. It helped. Mine were humorous outpourings, focusing on the more bizarre, idiosyncratic side of this global pandemic.
Once or twice I have dabbled in more serious themes exploring and sharing my innermost emotions, but not for me. I have stuck to my tried and tested witty efforts, and have even posted a few on Facebook pages, dallied with the idea of self publishing, and briefly considered open mic nights. But as life has moved on my writing has dwindled and I find myself once more consumed with work and other recreational interests, poetry writing once again relegated to special occasions or personal requests. But I know there’s a book in me somewhere and I hope one day to create a piece of work that will give Pam Ayres a run for her money. But for now here are some examples of my recent poems which I hope you will enjoy.
FEATURED POETRY
Keeping Fit
I’ve never had much energy
To give to exercise
The thought of donning Lycra tights
Brings tears to my eyes.
And what about the mammaries
How would they be contained?
Is any garment strong enough
For mine to be restrained ?
And then you need some footwear
But what about the price!
I’d need a second mortgage to afford
That sacrifice!
But these are just excuses
I’ve got to make a start
Oh god are my lungs up to this
Be still my beating heart!
I’ll sign up to some classes
A good way to begin
I’ll check out what’s on locally
But first I need a gin.
Now Latin dance sounds funky
Or maybe boxercise
I like ones where you use a chair
for over 55s.
I’ve seen those YouTube workouts
By some guy called Joe Wicks
He’s got 3 million followers
They must be lunatics!
My friends suggested trying
A programme that’s called HIT
My God what a horrendous way
To keep your body fit!
I’ve come to the conclusion
It’s really not for me
And benefits of exercise are
Pure hyperbole.
I’ll sit here on my sofa
And watch the pounds pile on
And leave it till another year
To run that marathon.
Popping Pills
I love a daily vitamin
To ward off all life’s ills
I’ve got a cupboard full of magic
Multicoloured pills.
There’s sage for menstruation
And beetroot for the joints
My favourite’s Horny Goat Weed
That never disappoints
But scientists don’t like them
They say don’t waste your cash
This really was the truth when some
Brought on a nasty rash
And once I tried a tincture
From some African state
The side effects of which caused me
To hyperventilate.
But mostly I just love them
Cos they invigorate
The benefits to health and mind
Don’t underestimate.
There’s one called Angels Trumpet
That always works a treat
Damiana, Devils claw
Just make my life complete.
So If you’ve got a problem
Just pop a magic pill
Just maybe not from foreign states
As they can make you ill.